Today is my 6 month review at work. I started here in October and it has been painful, fun, boring, frustrating...I don't know. I want to be good. I want to be a good employee, a good girlfriend, a good friend, and a good person.

My boss is a woman who frustrates me immensely. She is 55, single, and probably hasn't gotten laid in nearly 10 years. She also has very little managerial experience and doesn't trust people. The outcome of all this is that she often micromanages me and treats me like I am unintelligent. I hate it when she does this, and I have thought repeatedly about quitting as a result.

That is weighing on my mind as I prepare to talk to my bosses in an hour.

However, I am also facing concerns about my relationship. I love my boyfriend, but I am not sure that I can be the kind of girl he wants. I feel needy and vulnerable, but I can't figure out why. Am I inherently bad at being in relationships? Am I too clingy? How can I change that without it being a false change? How do I balance my needs and feelings with being a good girlfriend?

I feel so lost right now. My impulse is to leave - leave the country, leave my relationship, leave my job, and go someplace new. This, I realize, is not a good idea. That would be running away, and sacrificing a relationship with a man that I am really happy with, but as my anxiety grows I feel a stronger pull to run.

But I guess I will just go to my meeting for now and try to be honest with at least one aspect of my life.

We had our first fight last night. His cell phone dropped into my purse and I left. I forgot I had his apartment keys, so he had no cell and no keys. He tore everything apart looking for the cell phone, then got locked out of his place while searching the car.


I was at a friends house cooking dinner. No clue. I even left him a message about a Toyota truck I check out for him. Left a message on the phone sitting in my purse.


His friend went to pick him up and I got a call. He was mad and I couldn't understand why. I didn't know I had the phone. I forgot about the keys. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but he was still mad and I was sorry.


I am always sorry. I can't help it. As soon as I see that look...hear that tone of cold reserve, I fold. I am sorry. I am sorry. Baby, I am sorry.


Why do I do this? Why don't I simply suggest that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't intend to take his phone, his keys. But instead my mind races and I start feeling sick. Almost every person I have loved has hurt me and abandoned me. It is a scar I carry, and something that darkness my fights. I always feel them slipping...and it breaks part of my smiling facade.


I am not a negative person and we did get over the fight. Everything will be fine and I will try to be more careful.


But someday I must learn so say I am not sorry. This is not my problem and you have no right to take your frustration out on me. I am not afraid.


I hope I am strong enough.